Gone
by sittingandwritingcausewhynot
Summary: Phil is in love with his roommate, Dan. He wants to tell him, but he's afraid. Then both of them run out of time.
1. Ch 1

**Right, so this is my first proper fanfic. I know that the chapters are short, but I prefer them this way. Also English is not my first language, so there might be some errors and stuff. Hopefully everything will work out in the end (clichés yay!)**

**Also, the first four chapters are basically like a back story, so there'll be longer chapters. Bear with me y'all!  
**

* * *

The life of a YouTuber is wonderful and hard at the same time. Wonderful because obviously this is the most amazing job one can have. And hard because of the editing! I love it, but I need to pay attention to so many things.

I'm wearing my headphones when someone taps on my shoulder. That's it, I'm dead. But when I turn around, I see my amazing, ever so gorgeous roommate, Dan. These are times when I want to come clean, tell him how I feel. But I can't. I know I'll lose him if I tell him. I know it sounds cheesy and corny, but this is how I feel. So as always, I stay quiet.

'Oh, you're busy.' Dan looks at my monitor. I almost start laughing – he had seen it before he tapped on my shoulder. Sometimes Dan is like a cat – he wants attention, but he doesn't want attention.

'No, I... I want to procrastinate. What's up?'

'I uh... I need to tell you something.' My heart rate goes up and I'm blushing. 'I actually want you to meet someone.'

'Oh.' My heart sinks a little bit. It's never a good thing to hear it. When Dan walks out of my room, I follow him, but I'm scared. So scared. And devastated. I wasted my time, now he can never know.

When we walk into the kitchen, I see her. Oh, she's so beautiful. She has long, light brown hair, and huge pale blue eyes. She's the kind of girl who knows how to wear make-up without seeming fake. She's the kind of girl Dan falls in love with.

'Phil, this is... This is Amelia. We've uh, we've been going out for a couple of weeks now.'

'Wow you could actually keep a secret!' I force a laugh but even I hear it's fake. 'Nice to meet you Amelia.'

'Phil! I've heard so much about you!' She hugs me and I'm even more broken. It's over.


	2. Ch 2

Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. Dan and Amelia have been going out for 7 months. My feelings still haven't gone away. I'm getting so depressed that I'm turning angry. Dan and I spent very little time together since he met Amelia. I don't hate her – I could never hate her, she's the sweetest, most caring person and she really loves him. I don't hate him – he fell in love, that's the way things happen. I hate myself for not speaking up.

So when on an afternoon, he's home, and after I spent my morning watching our videos, I'm really angry. And that's when bad things happen.

'Dan!' I yell as I walk into the living room.

'Yeah?' He looks up.

'I want you to move out.'

He blinks a few as if he can't comprehend what I said. After a minute, he asks. 'Why?'

'Because I don't want you here anymore.' As much as it hurts, this is the truth. I want him gone. For once in my life, I need to stand up and do what's right for me.

'I don't unders...'

'Yes, you don't!' I interrupt. 'And that's the problem. You're so happy with Amelia, and I'm really happy for you, but I can't do this anymore! This could've been us! I was in love with you, Dan, I still am! Ever since I took you to that ER in Manchester. I saw you on that bed, and my life broke into two when I saw you that... Helpless.' Dan tries to say something but I stop him. 'Shut up, just fricking shut up!' He stay quiet, he knows I'm angry because I never swear. But I don't care. I'm behind that point. 'I wanted to tell you the truth but I couldn't, because I thought I'd lose you. This way or another way. Then when you told you're with Amelia, I knew it was over, that we were over, that our friendship was over, because I was in love with you and I couldn't go back to being friends. You have to understand that I'm not jealous, I just... I can't be with you and not _be_ with you. So yes, I want you to move out.'

And with this I walk to my room and I don't leave it until the next morning. When I come out, I know that Dan is gone.


	3. Ch 3

First I check the living room. Although he left most of the games and consoles, he took some. The toy plant is also gone. When I step into the kitchen, I see that his mugs are not there. I feel empty, actually I don't feel anything. But deep down I know this was the right step. He needed to go and I need to move over.

I only go into his room after a few days. The bed, the desk, all of the furniture are there, but the room is… The rooms lacks the presence of Dan. No clothes, no bedding stuff, no fairy lights, no this, no that. It's gone. Everything is gone. And I'm more devastated, heartbroken than ever.


	4. Ch 4

Once again, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. After 4 months of my outburst, on a Friday night, it's raining. Dan and I... Dan and I had no contact, at all. No phone calls, no tweets, no Facebook messages. He hasn't even posted a video. So yes, we're really over.

I made a few videos, but they're not the same. I'm not the same without Dan. Who could be? Even I know the quality is really bad, but thankfully I have amazing subscribers. Some of them even asked where Dan is and… And I didn't know what to reply. So I just said busy. But that's the way it needed to be.

But on that Friday night when it's raining, I'm curled up on my couch in my living room in my apartment watching Netflix. Yes, I'm still alone, still pathetic, still in love with him. I spill out my hot cocoa when the doorbell rings. I don't want to open the door, but that someone doesn't stop.

'All right, I'm coming!' I shout angrily. I just want to be left alone.

When I open the door (still in my blanket cocoon) it's... Yeah, well, I'm surprised as hell. It's Dan.

'Dan, I don't want to hear it.' I sigh. I'm trying to slam the door into his face, but he doesn't let me.

'Yes, you do. Just hear me out, okay? One minutes, that's all I'm asking.' He is standing in the rain, all wet and gorgeous. And I can't say no. So I nod. 'I broke up with Amelia.'

'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.' I say in the most polite way. I'm surprised. I really am. They seemed perfect together. 'But I don't see how I can...'

'I broke up with her because of you.' I'm even more surprised. I never thought I could hear anything like that. 'You were right, Philip. I didn't understand. But this, being away from you changed everything.' I start shaking my head. Even if it's good, I don't want to hear it.

'Dan, I think you should go.'

'No.' He says forcefully. As he walks in, I involuntarily step back. 'I love you, you bloody dork.'


	5. Ch 5

I stare at him, refusing to accept his words. I mean how can he be standing in front of me and telling all these lies? Because they have to be. Or this is just a dream. A really bad, a really weird nightmare.

'No.' I say, but my voice is really quiet. 'Dan, you really should go. This isn't right.'

'Phil, I don't… Don't you love me anymore?' His eyes are filled with questions.

If Dan lies, I have to lie too. I know it's not a nice thing to do, but that's what I have to do. I look at the floor, gathering my strength to make it sound genuine. I know Dan is staring at me, it's like his eyes are burning through my skull.

'No.' I say again. 'I've moved on. I needed to. You weren't here, we weren't talking and I needed to move on.'

'But Phil, you kicked me out. You told me you loved me and that I needed to go because you couldn't be around me anymore.'

'I know!' I shout. I'm getting angry again, not at him, but myself. 'It's all a mess, Dan. I need you to go. Now.'

'Phil, for God's sake, listen to me.' He grabs my upper arm, and sort of pushes me against the wall. 'Stop this act, I know you're lying. I love you and I know that you love me back. So I don't know why you're asking me to go. Why do you want me to be gone?'

'Because I don't love you, not anymore. Also I know you just convinced yourself that you love me. So it's all just pretending now. I'm sorry that you broke up with Amelia because of me, but you can't move back. You need to find a place to stay. So please, leave. And for both of our sake, don't come back. Ever.' I sigh, this is the hardest thing to say, but at the same time I know I need to say this. He needs to hear it too.

'Okay.' He nods sadly. 'But can we be at least friends?' He looks at me with his huge puppy eyes.

'I don't think that's the best idea.'

'Right, you're right. Take care of yourself, will you?'

'You too.'

He smiles bitterly then leaves. Yes, it is for the best. I had to tell all those lies in order to really move on. Both of us need to move on. I mean I know it could've been the best thing ever, but at the same time… No. He waited too long.

It's not just the time that passed. I don't want to be someone's rebound guy as one might say. I don't want to be someone's boyfriend because he believes he loves me.

Maybe it really is time I've moved on. I need to let him go, both as a possible boyfriend and as a best friend. I know I was a coward for not telling him, but it seemed kind of good at that moment. It had to be this way.

I close and lock the front door, making it the ultimate barrier between us. Our friendship is beyond repair. There's no point whatsoever to even try to fix it. Even the possibility of being casual friends is somewhat gone.

I messed up. I got ourselves here: from best friends to acquaintances. Everything is gone.


	6. Ch 6

I spend the night watching Buffy on the couch. I even fall asleep there around 3 in the morning. Thank God for Netflix, it's the only thing that helps me to forget everything.

So the next morning, when the bell wakes me up, I'm lying on the couch still in my blanket cocoon. Funny, that blanket is the only thing Dan left behind. I should probably throw it away or set it on fire, but I can't.

I don't want to open the door thinking that it's Dan. Probably it's him. But then I get a text from none other than PJ. _Hey, open the door, it's us._ With a sigh I stand up, and wrap myself in the blanket. My hair's a mess, but my life is a bigger one. Plus it's just PJ and Chris, they saw me like this before. And to be honest, I don't really care. I'm allowed to go around moaning about anything and everything. When I open the door, Chris instantly focuses on my hair.

'Whoa, dude.'

'Shut up.' I step aside, letting them in. They are always welcome, even now. Chris goes to the living room, but PJ puts his hand on my shoulder. 'What's up?'

'Have you seen it?'

'What? I don't know, I haven't been on Twitter since last morning.'

'No, it's not Twitter. It's Dan.'

'Oh.' When he says his name, my heart flutters a bit. Seriously though, I need to move on. 'We're not really friends anymore.'

'I know, that's why we're here. So you haven't seen his video?'

I blink rapidly. I don't want to see that video. But I ask PJ anyway, merely to be polite. 'What video?'

'Oh man.' He goes into the living room and I know that they're going to show me.

Chris is sitting on the floor, with my laptop in his lap. When I step in, he looks at me, worriedly. He passes me the machine once I'm sitting on the sofa. On the screen there's Dan, his hair is still a bit wet. He must've recorded it after he left. I know it's not going to end well. And it's a public video. The title: _Truth that demands to be told._

As I start the video, I notice that Chris and PJ are not looking at the screen, they're watching me and my reaction.

_Hello Internet, it's been a while. It's so weird to sit down and talk to a camera. Also this video will be different as there is something I need to tell you._

_As many of you know I had a girlfriend. It was good, for a while at least, but things happened and we broke up. We're still friends, she's the greatest person out there, so please don't hate her. She's also very supportive of me._

_And I do need her support. Because of those things. You may wonder, where Phil is, or why he isn't in my videos or vice versa. The thing is we're no longer sharing a flat together. And there are reasons for this, but I'm not gonna tell you what they are as they only concern us and I respect his privacy. Also we are no longer friends, it would cause complications after those things that happened._

I want to stop the video, I don't want to hear anything else, but Peej doesn't let me. 'You need to hear the rest, Phil.'

_This video, as I've mentioned, is a lot more different and complicated. First things first, I need to tell you guys something. And I also need to tell this to Phil, as to reassure him._

_I'm in love. I'm in love with Phil. I went to see him last night, I told him that I love him, but… You know when you want something and imagine the perfect scenario? I imagined it, but let's just say it didn't go well._

_So I'm here, in front of the camera, proving that I love Phil. Also I really hope that he'll see this video. If not, or refuses to watch it, I'm counting on my friends to make him watch it. He needs to see this._

_Phil, I know you wouldn't want to make this public this soon, but I love you. I failed to realise this earlier, and while I know this might be a wee bit late, but I'm not giving up. You know, if everything was normal, this would be the place with your giggle because I just said wee. I miss you, I miss your giggle, your silly humour, and I miss everything. I love you and I'm not giving up._

_Phil, I swear to God, I'll even get a boombox to prove that I love you. I'll post a hundred videos in one day to prove that I love you. I'd sell my soul, get killed by Buffy, do everything to make you realise I was not lying. I miss you and I love you, I love you so much. You're all I want, all I need, all I care about. Please, call me, text me, send smoke signals, anything. I'll find a hundred ways to prove you that I love you. I love you and I'm not giving up and most of all: I'm not going anywhere._

The video ends here, no end credit, no sexy end screen dance. I realise there are tears in my eyes. I look at my friends who are smiling, their eyes are lit up with hope. I know I should call him, but I can't. I know this is just my pride, but we can't go back, we can't do this.

'Are you going to call him?' Chris asks.

'I don't know. I… I need time to think. Can you please tell everyone to leave me alone for a couple of days? I need to think this through.'

'There's nothing…' PJ starts but Chris stops him.

'Sure, we'll give you your space.'

I nod and the next thing I know is that they're gone.


	7. Ch 7

Over the next couple of days I have time to think. Or more precisely overthink.

On one hand, Dan seemed genuine, what he was saying sounded honest and true. He wants Phan to become real so bad that he didn't care and posted a video. I know how much he hated when the fandom shipped us and pretty much harassed us everywhere. I hated that too. So yes, it is surprising to see a video posted by him. I've never guessed that he would speak so openly about his feelings.

On the other hand… Honestly, I don't know. I should call him, but I can't. He waited too long. I'm not saying that he should've broken up with Amelia when I told him to move out. He should've handled things differently. If he had told me everything back then, it would've been different. I mean if he had told me that he loved me, then told me that he needed time to end things with Amelia, I would've agreed. But now? It doesn't work this way.

So I'm not calling him. Pretty much there's no point. I know I'm just being proud, but I can't. I can't go back there. I can't keep doing this. For once I need to think about myself. What if he changes his mind? What if he realises it's just a mistake and leaves me or something? I don't want that happen, so I'm not calling him.

Peej and Chris keep their word. No one is bothering me for two days. I barely leave the couch, and I'm still wearing my pyjama. But on the morning of the 3rd day (yes, I'm counting the days like that), PJ calls me.

'Hey, are you still alive?'

'Very funny. Yeah.'

'Chris and I are coming over, we'll be there in half an hour. See ya!' Before I could reply, he hangs up.

With a sigh I stand up. I put one stuff from here to there, fold the blanket then decide to have a shower. When a person is under stress, they can do a lot of stuff in half an hour. So in that half an hour I do everything, plus I even straighten my hair. I decide to quit moping around. By the time the guys arrive I look like a human.

I have a lot of headaches lately, but it's just the stress thing because of Dan. I don't know, I've been feeling quite odd since Dan left last Friday. But I don't know whether it's emotional that produces physical signs or just purely physical. And frankly, I don't care.

When PJ and Chris arrive, they're grinning. They're hoping to hear good news.

'So, have you called him?' Chris asks without even saying hello.

We sit down in the kitchen and PJ feels really comfortable (as he should) because he starts making tea.

'Uh, no. And I have no intention of calling him or anything.'

'Why?'

'I don't know, Chris. There's just no point.'

'He's worried, you know. He said if you don't call him in a week, he'll come here with the boombox.'

I shrug my shoulder and look out of my window. Why does everyone expect me to forgive him? I mean I really want to, just… Can't.

'Why are you being this stubborn?' Peej asks.

'Because…' I stop for a minute. Why am I this stubborn? 'I don't know. Can we please talk about something else?'

Thank God, they understand. So instead of the Dan-drama, they talk about what videos they want to shoot. I'm thankful for this as I feel weird. My headache is getting stronger and I kind of have this unexplainable tingling sensation.

'You okay?' Chris looks at me while taking a sip from his mug.

'Yeah, I just have this headache, but it's… uhm…' I shake my head. What was I going to say? 'It's just the… uhm… drama. So PJ, you…'

* * *

**Nope, that's right. It ends mid-speech. Why? Chapter 8 will give you answers! :)**


	8. Ch 8

Through a black, heavy mist that sort of suffocates me, I come to realise something. No matter what we do, how we do it, _why_ we do it, there are things that are meant to happen. Like this.

Honestly, I have no idea what happened. The last thing I remember PJ handing me a cup. Then blackness. There are weird noises, smells, feelings, but I'm not actually sure when they're happening. They might have happened before, I just remember them suddenly, or they might be happening when I _think_ they're happening. It doesn't make sense now, does it?

The next thing that happens for sure are some really loud, crackling noises. My first thought is someone demolishing my flat. I don't know why they would do such thing. Hammering. More cracking. Silence. Swift little movement. More hammering.

I try to open my eyes but my eyelids are heavy. I feel fresh air on my face which calms me a little bit, but then there are a weird noise. A female voice, to be exact.

'Mr Lester, I'm going to stop the MRI now until you calm down.'

MRI? Even in this weird state of mine I recognise that word. What is going on? I feel my heart speeding up, trying to escape through my throat. I force my eyes open. I see a white surface above me with a little mirror built inside. What is going on? What am I doing here?

Then the voice is closer, less machine-like. 'Mr Lester, are you all right?' That voice is moving towards me. Suddenly I realise what is happening. I'm on a flat surface, a table. And it's moving. With fear I grab the side of it, refusing to let go. I'm terrified. But when I see a face, I calm down a bit. 'Mr Lester, I know this is odd, but you need to calm down.'

'What's…' My voice sounds out of place. It's hoarse and my mouth is extremely dry.

'You're in the hospital. You can definitely choose the right moment to wake up.' She chuckles a bit, but I can't appreciate it. I try to sit up, but she, that little woman, pushes me back. 'You need to stay there. Just a few more minutes and we're ready, okay? I'll explain everything after.'

I'm trying to say yes but the words get stuck in my throat. But I manage to nod my head a little bit. She pushes me back, and it all starts again.

But she said the truth. After a few minutes it really is done. Then she asks me to sit in a wheelchair. That requires moving from the table to the chair. My legs are extremely wobbly, even the thought of moving from one place to another scares me.

'Okay, slowly.' She says as she helps me sit up. It's a complex process and it makes me really dizzy. 'Let's just stay like this for a few minutes.' She smiles at me and signals someone. A guy appears from another room. They are trying to make small talk with me, but I can't really comprehend anything. When the few minutes are up, they help me into the chair. It's better there with the back support and everything.

She wheels me back to the room, which apparently is my room. I still don't know why I am in a hospital. But climbing back to the bed is definitely better, I managed to do that on my own. Before she leaves she says the doctor will be here in a minute.

I close my eyes, and it helps me ease the dizziness and pain. I'm trying to figure out why I actually lying in a hospital. Did PJ drug me? Did the building collide? Or did something else happen? I don't know anything, it's all confusing.

'Mr Lester?' a man says and I open my eyes. He's wearing white coat so he must be the doctor. 'How are you feeling?'

'Confused.' I manage to gather enough strength to say this much.

'I understand. You're probably curious what happened. Do you remember anything?' I shake my head. How could I? 'You had a seizure, your friends called the ambulance. Then you had another one in the car, and one just after you got here. After the seizures, you were unconscious, until now. We ran a couple of tests, including an MRI scan.' Wait what? I had seizures? But… No. It doesn't make sense. 'Mr Lester, do you understand everything so far?' I nod. Even though it doesn't make sense, I can comprehend everything. He drags a chair closer to the bed. 'The next part won't be easy, but you must listen very carefully now.' His voice changed, it's much more serious and much more compassionate. 'During the MRI, we saw something. A spot that shouldn't be there. We'll run a couple of more test but I'm afraid that won't make any difference. We think that that spot is a tumour which caused the seizures. From the scans we could determine that it is operable which is really good. However, as I said we need to run more test to see whether it's cancerous or not. Have you fully understood everything? I know it's a lot to take in, but we would like to have the surgery as soon as possible.

I nod. I understand it but it's unbelievable. 'Am…' I'm struggling to speak, but I know that I have to. 'Am I… going to… die?'

'I won't let that happen.' He looks at me, for a minute letting go of is professional self. 'My daughter, she's 15, she's watching your videos.' Oh. He recognized me. 'You're her favourite and I couldn't face her. So I'll do anything. Plus I'm hopeful, as I mentioned it is operable.'

'Thank you.' I mumble.

'Don't worry, your ability to speak will return soon. But I'm going to give you sedatives, okay? You need to rest and forget about anything I just said. You'll be okay.' He smiles at me and then leaves.

I have no time to think everything through because a nurse comes in, and gives me some kind of tranquilizer. I immediately feel the effect of it, my eyelids once again are getting heavier and I'm not thinking about having cancer.

I sleep for, what it feels like, long hours, maybe even days. I don't have any dream, just this thick blackness that completely surrounds me. Those sedatives are really effective.

When the blackness is starting to raise I have a strange dream. I'm lying on a bed and I can hear quiet machine beeping in the distance. Someone is sitting next to my bed, their head is next to my pillow. That someone is asleep, but even in their sleep, is holding my hand. It's nice, safe. Feels like home. It's perfect.

I'm trying to figure out who that person is, but all I can see is brown, extremely messy hair with perfect little waves in it. After that, I'm falling back to sleep again, not dreaming about that person.

There's another dream like this one. But this even includes murmuring. It's a male voice. I don't recognise it, but he does sound vaguely familiar. I can't make out the words though, but they soothe me, ease me back into sleep.

Then there's the third time. This time, the darkness not only raises, but I'm definitely waking up. Again, a hand is holding mine, but now a thumb gently caresses the back of my hand. I open my eyes just a bit to see who is sitting next to me. I immediately recognise the figure.

It's Dan.

And I've never been happier to see him. I regret everything, what I've said, what I've done. I'm so happy to see him here.

I also see that his head is turned away so he's not looking at me. I'm not moving; I'm trying to find the perfect sentence. I can only hope I can speak properly. I quickly look at him, his hair is messy and wavy. So he was the person in my dream. Then probably he was the guy who was speaking. But one glance at him is enough to know what I'm going to say.

I gather all my strength, all my might to speak. My voice is quiet, but I know he can hear me.

'I prefer your hobbit hair anyway.'

'Phil!' Tears are glistering in his eyes as he stands up to place a kiss on my forehead. 'I was so worried! How are you feeling?'

'Better, I guess. Look… Dan. I'm… sorry for…' It's still a bit hard to speak, but I'm getting there.

'No, it's okay. The doctors told me that the tumour could cause mood swings, so don't worry. I'm sorry too, I should've said something sooner.'

I close my eyes. 'I… love you.' This is the most important thing he needs to know.

'I love you too.' I can hear his smile in that simple sentence. 'I'm glad the boys were there when this happened. I'm so sorry, I should've been there for you, and I… I'm just scared I'm going to lose you.'

'You won't.' I look at him, his beautiful brown eyes are full of pure, raw emotions: love, worry, happiness, sadness. 'Did… the doctors tell… you anything else?'

'No, he just told me that you needed a surgery as soon as possible. While you were sleeping, they run two more blood tests. They also said that when you wake up they want to test your spinal fluid or something because it can also show them whether it's cancerous or not.

I nod. I don't want to tell Dan that I'm afraid of death, and that I don't want to die. I know I'm just being stupid, but I'm so afraid. I have a thing in my head and because of that thing I could die tomorrow. I'm so scared.

'I think… you should tell… the doctor I'm awake.'

'Right, I'll be back in two seconds. Don't go anywhere.' He smiles, his dimples are showing. I love his dimples so much. I don't want to die.

I know this is not the place and time to panic. I need to remain calm. I just don't know what is going to happen. Surgery, chemo, radiation therapy? Then what? Constant fear that the cancer might return? How do people who had or have cancer live? How can they carry on with their lives when the possibility or cancer coming back?

'Mr Lester.' The doc comes back with Dan on his heels. 'I know this is unusual, but your friend here insisted on staying in the room while we talk through everything. Are you okay with this?'

'Yes, he's my boyfriend.' I show a little smile but Dan is grinning. I know that this simple sentence made him so happy because it made me happy.

'Okay. Your CT scans show us that there are no metastatic cancer. We'll take a sample of your cerebral spinal fluid soon but I think we should have your surgery first thing in the morning tomorrow. The surgery and the biopsy will determine whether you need post-op treatment. Do you have any questions?'

'Will I be… able to speak properly… afterwards? Will I be able… to do everything?' I ask while looking at Dan.

'Yes, I'm really optimistic. You're in excellent health, you're young so I think it's just a little bump on the road.'

'How long does he have to stay here?' Dan looks at the doctor.

'If we can remove the tumour and your post-op recovery is good, I think a few weeks maximum. But as I said a lot depends on the surgery and the post operation treatment. Now, if you excuse me, I'll get ready for your test.'

'Thank you, doctor.' Dan smiles but he's worried again. 'You okay?' As he steps closer he reaches for my hand.

'Yeah. I wish we wouldn't have to deal with this.'

'Everything will be okay.' He entwines our fingers and I know there's something I need to know.

'So you really love me?' I ask which makes him chuckle.

'I'm sorry to tell you, but you won't get rid of me this easily. So yes, I really love you.'

* * *

**Okay, I know I should've explained all the medical things better, but I'm no doctor. I did look up things, and I did my best to describe everything. Please don't hate me.**


	9. Ch 9

When I wake up, everything is so confusing. Why is it so difficult to breathe? Why is it so difficult to open my eyes? Why is it so difficult to exist? I feel like my whole body is swollen, like I've been punched a several times.

It's after the surgery. They did operate me the next morning, the whole thing seemed so unreal. But now, when I'm waking up, it's just pain, swollenness, and confusion. Machines are beeping, distant chatter can be heard and my pillow is really firm. I don't like it.

I feel as pipes, tubes and a lot of stuff are connected to my body some place, or another. The most disturbing one is in my nose. I know it's required, but it really bothers me.

'Ah, you're awake!' A deep, female voice says.

'Mmmrphgh.' I… say? I'm not sure what I wanted to say. My mouth is dryer than Nevada during summer.

'I know, sweetie, I know.' I don't know who she is. 'I can get you a bit of ice, but I need you to open your eyes.' I'm doing the best I can, and I manage to open my eyes a bit, but the lights are really bright so I have to close them again. I try again a few seconds later, it's better now. On the third try I manage to open time, blinking a few times. She immediately uses a light pen thing to check my pupils. 'That's it, good boy! How are you feeling? You need to talk a bit. I know it is hard, but we need to rule out any brain damage.'

'Where's… Dan?'

'That boyfriend of yours? He's outside. I'm going to get you a little bit of ice and then he can come and see you for a few minutes.'

'Thank you.'

My headache is really bad. I can feel that my head is wrapped in thick bandages and it makes my headache worse. I realise I should've asked the nurse about the surgery or something, but I just need Dan. I guess it's a good thing if I can remember him.

I bet he was really worried. I bet he _is_ really worried. Is this how our lives are going to be from now on? Constant worrying? I don't want to live in fear, I don't want Dan to live in fear. I don't want to die.

'Phil?' He asks as he gently opens the door. I manage to look at him, he's more beautiful than ever. He is still wearing the same clothes and his hobbit hair that I love so much is still there? 'How are you feeling?' He steps closer with a cup in his hand.

'Is that…?'

'Oh yes, sorry.' He picks up a piece of ice and puts it in my mouth. In the process, his fingers touch my lips and I just need to close my eyes for a second. 'Are you okay?'

'Yes.' I whisper. It's still hard to speak. 'Did the… doctors say anything?'

'The surgery went just fine, they could remove the whole thing. The doc said that he would stop by soon to check on you. You'll also get painkillers because it was a huge surgery and you need to rest.'

'Thank you.'

'You are going to be okay, you hear that, Philip? I was so scared.'

'I'm sorry.' I try to smile a bit, but it hurts.

'Mr Lester, good to see you awake and speaking.' The doctor appears and comes to my bed. 'We could fully remove the tumour and so far everything is good. You will feel tired for a couple of days but you just underwent a big surgery and your brain is still swollen a bit. The most important thing is now to sleep as much as possible. Do you feel pain?'

'Yes, my head… hurts really badly.'

'That's understandable. Anything else besides that? Confusion? Dizziness?'

'Nothing.'

'That's good. Now, will you please squeeze my hand as hard as you can?' I do as the doctor says so. When he asks me to push my feet against his hand I do it again. That's when I realise my feet are cold. 'Wonderful. You really look good. I'll give you some painkillers, not too strong ones. Is there anything else I can do for you?'

'My feet are cold.' I look at Dan, who chuckles quietly.

'Ah, yes. You can wear another sock if you'd like. I'm sure your boyfriend can take care of that. However, after that, I have to ask him to go to the waiting room, as this room is an ICU sort of thing.' The doc smiles a bit. 'I'll send a nurse to give you some painkillers.'

'Thank you.' I say quietly.

'I'm relieved.' Dan says as he puts another pair of socks on my feet. 'I was in the waiting room, not knowing. PJ and Chris are here too, they've been here since you got here.'

'You guys should… go home. You need to… sleep.'

'Yeah.' He yawns. 'But I don't want to leave you alone. Oh, speaking of that.' From his back pocket, he pulls out my lion. He places it on the bedside table. 'You have someone who's making sure you're okay besides me.'

'Thank you. And… go home, please. Sleep, eat. Have a shower.'

'You won't stop, right?' He sweeps my hair out of my forehead. I really like this guy. 'Okay. I also called your parents. They wanted to be here, but I told them you're still in surgery and they made me promise that I call them as soon as you're awake.'

'Thank you.'

'They really worried. We all are. Louise and Zoe keep calling me, others send texts, Tyler and Troye sent seven long emails all together so far. So they really love you. You should now that. I really love you.'

'I love you too.' I smile a bit.

A few minutes after that a nurse appears who shoos Dan away. She gives me my painkillers and soon after that I'm gone to the land of dreams.

* * *

**Okay, I know, this chapter is a bit weird, I don't really like it, but I needed to write this post operation thing. Again, I don't know any of the medical stuff plus I had a writer's block, so it's a huge mess. Please forgive me.**


	10. Ch 10

When I wake up, I know everything is going to be okay. How? I don't know. Sometimes you just get this feeling.

I open my eyes, looking around while still adjusting to the lights. Thankfully, there's no tube in my nose. Furthermore, I see that I'm no longer in that ICU room. It's a proper room now. And that means visitors. Dan is the first person I see. He's smiling lightly, but as he notices I'm awake, he grins, showing those wonderful dimples.

Then I see that mum and dad are also here. Mum's eyes are teary and dad's hands are on her knees. They calm down a bit when they see that I'm awake. Also, I'm not sure if Dan told them about us. If not, we have to.

Chris and Peej are also in the room, but they are standing in the corner looking out of the window. They talk about something – almost in an arguing manner. While I don't hear a word, it's clear they're almost there.

'Hey.' I say a bit sleepily.

'Hey, darling.' My mum squeezes my hand a bit. 'How are you feeling?'

'Good. I needed this sleep.' I speak easier now, which is a good news. 'Is everything alright?' I ask everyone but my question is mainly for Chris and PJ.

'Yeah, man. Glad to see you're okay.' PJ smiles and he looks at Chris for a nanosecond. Oh god, what have they done?

'Since you're feeling better, it's time you saw something.' Dan nervously sighs. Then, he picks up a mirror from the bedside table and places it in front of me so I can see my head.

My head is still wrapped in bandages, but I can see that my hair is gone. I mean all of it, not just a part. And I look thin. It's been long days since I had a proper meal and I'd sell my soul to eat a cheeseburger right now.

'I'm sorry, dear.' My mum sadly smiles.

'Because of my hair? It's kinda cool to think that I'm bald now. A badass bald.'

'Yeah, your son is alright.' My dad laughs, and we all know this is the truth. I'll be alright. 

A few days later, following like ten thousand tests, my doctor declares that I don't need chemo or radiation right now, but they'll closely monitor my cancer-freeness. At the end of a day, he says that I can go home.

'But!'

'There's always a but, isn't it?' I moan quietly.

'You're just resting now, okay? No long walks, no exhausting things. Your boyfriend will get a list of things he needs to pay attention to. If you're feeling sick, don't hesitate, tell him.'

I nod like a good boy. I'm finally going home. The doc gives me more information, more things I need to go, then… Freedom.

Kind of. 

Dan is like a super bossy, yet super devoted mum. He reminds me every five minutes to drink or eat something. He's so cute when he is worried.

Also we are yet to determine what this thing is. I think it's a relationship but we haven't talked about it. I know Dan doesn't want to talk about it now because I'm still recovering, but we need to discuss it.

So after his umpteenth attempt in 15 minutes to make me another cuppa, I say to him.

'Daniel, would you just sit down on that beautiful arse of yours?'

His eyes light up as say this. He does sit down on the couch looking at me. 'What's up?'

'You're like a flea, so just stay here for half an hour, okay?'

'Sure. How are you feeling?'

'I'm fine, Daniel. So don't you think it's time we talked about something?' I ask as Dan's phone starts to ring.

'Sorry.' He picks up. From his reply, I can figure out that it's PJ and Chris. And they're outside. 'I'm gonna find out what they want then I promise we'll talk about it.

Half a minute later PJ walks in followed by Chris, then Dan. Dan sits down next to me, looking at the guys. They act very odd and awkward. Suddenly I remember the whole arguing-not arguing thing that happened in the hospital.

'We'll be gone in a minute, but since you're our best friends, we need to tell you something and you have to be the first ones who hear it.' Chris looks at Peej.

And by now both Dan and I know what they are going to say. 

KickTheStickz is real.

Who would've guessed?

Phan is also real?

Who would've guessed that?

They then tell us how KickTheStickz really started: it was back when Dan was still dating Amelia. It was when I told him that he needed to move out. PJ realised that one day, he might be late too. So at 3 am, he went to Chris. He opened the door, still half asleep, with his pyjama top still twisted around him. PJ then, without telling anything to him, kissed him. Just kissed him, and Chris knew. PJ, since it was late, spent the night with Chris.

'NOT LIKE THAT.' PJ shouts, his face is redder than red.

So they've been dating ever since. They didn't want to tell us, because it would've made thinks awkward, then I had the surgery, but now I was well, I was alive, they had to tell us.

'I'm so happy for you guys!' I smile. They deserve the best, and they are the best for each other.

'So how about you?' Chris asks.

'We were about to discuss that.'

'Were we?' Dan is looking at me, totally confused. 'I mean is there anything we need to discuss?'

'I… don't know.' Now it's my turn to be confused.

'I love you, you love me, poof we're dating.' Dan entwines our fingers, then looks at the guys. 'We're dating.'

'Yaaay!' Chris laughs, sitting down next to Dan. 

The guys stay for an hour or so, then it's only the two of us. Dan is forcing me to eat, so I'm consuming a meal while watching Strictly Come Dancing. Wonderful show.

'Anything else? You're feeling okay?'

'Yes, I am. Now come here please.'

'Why?' He's looking at me, puzzled.

'Because I realised, I haven't even kissed you.'

He blushes a bit, then sits down. When I finally kiss him… It's everything. You know that feeling when you see someone you really love, or when you finally see your OTP and your inside gets warm and you just want to hug the world and it seems that you can do everything? Yeah, I felt that too. It was perfect. There's just him and me, all the sad things, all the pain, all the fear are gone.

* * *

**So, this is the last chapter. BUT! This isn't goodbye, it's just a see you later! I'll write another Phanfic, starting November, as it'll be my Nanowrimo novel. My goal isn't 50k, it messed up my writing last year, but as much as possible. I have deadlines in November, so yeah. Until then I'll be doing some Phan oneshots, but I'll keep writing Phanfics. Thank you for all your help throughout this fic. I love you all.**


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